The Patchwork Reindeer ©2004

Rory Benjamin signed the release form for the chicken feet he had just ordered. He opened the box and out jumped the dog his sister had wanted since she was 103. She lovingly strangled the dog with a hairpin and took it for a walk. Rory sighed loudly and shot himself in the eye with a catapult.
Chewing on a lead pipe Rory climbed the mountain where he met Stuart, who had been Rory's friend since either of them could remember. Rory frowned at the ox that had re-appeared as Arnold Schwarzenegger; hardly breathing Rory hummed the tune to the A-team and battled with the 3-legged Ox till dawn the next year. Once the ox was defeated, Rory sat on a haggis and rode it to Edinburgh, where he met his Uncle Susan who invited him into his 5-wheeled caravan. Susan proceeded to kick Rory in the face with an Iron boot, claiming this would "ward off bad spirits." After this ordeal he was invited to sit by a "roaring" candle, and was forced to wear a jacket made out of porridge.
Claiming asylum Rory left to go and live in Lebanon, where he was reunited with Stuart, who was at the time smearing his torso with peanut butter. Deciding to leave the country at once Rory covered his feet in mayonnaise, so no one would notice the ketchup on his neck.
After a weekend of rowing (and when the wind was up sailing) through the rough streets of Sydney, they arrived. Exhausted Rory collapsed and fell into dreamless sleep.
Rory woke up and found he had been cleared of all charges so he jumped onto Mr. Kipling's desk and shaved the old mans head with a kangaroo tooth.
Stuart deciding that it was all too much not to bear flew into the deep orange sea. Rory rejoiced in the cool air, and sat by the fire to keep him self busy. This startled the king who after an hour's thought jumped up and smashed the mango tree into strawberry jam.
Standing up and choosing to take the left road Rory walked into the sunset. Discovering rotten eggs were following him, Rory tore a page from his book and skilfully folded the paper into a swan. The swan picked Rory up and flew to the next street, with thanks Rory set the swan on fire, and ran into the Round Welsh restaurant, renowned for its toasted cheese sandwiches and sheep anus pie with special sauce. He sat at the table in the corner and signalled with his violin to the waiter to show he was ready to order. The Waiter quickly smothered his guitar with mustard and ran out of the restaurant and was run over by a helicopter.
Rory disappointed with the service in the restaurant decided to get something from the supermarket to soothe his hunger. Entering the shop through the exit he quickly made his way into the freezer. Deciding that none of the delicacies caught his fancy he left the shop and got into his car gave his raspberry warthog a loving pat of butter on the head he drove home to bed. Waking up the next day he found his warthog had melted in the fridge. Deciding not to let the juice go to waste he poured it down the toilet thus feeding the rat population.
Seeing that the story of his life has taken too much of a turn towards normality he jumped onto a hippopotamus and rode it to the newsagents, climbed the drainpipe and gained access to the air vent. He dropped a canister of 0- chlorobenzalmalonitrile (say that again please?) into the air vent. Once the shopkeeper was unconscious he ran in and ignoring the money in the till, he stole all the potato cakes - he had been going cold turkey for months now and needed a fix. Once he was out of safety's way he shoved all the potato cakes into his mouth "Ah! That's the stuff!" he shouted.
Realising he hadn't seen his parents in 2 hours Rory decided to pay them a visit. Taking a train direct to the Benjamin Residence he rang the doorknob. His mother opened the door and gave him a friendly kick in the balls "how are you, son?"
Rory deciding he didn't like being questioned in such a harsh manner pushed his way into the house. Walking into the kitchen he met his father
"Who are you?" his father shouted brandishing the cat in a far from friendly manner
"Its me Dad, Rory - your son?" Rory explained
"Oh you." said his father and with that planted a hard kick in Rory's Groin with his iron boots on.
Rory buckled to the floor "Real Benjamin hospitality." He moaned.
"Don't be such a wimp!" said Rory's Father "When I was 4 years old, I worked a 23 hour shift (per day mind you!) down at the old asbestos plant where I had to dig a whole in my chest with my bare hands just so I could breathe! Then I would have to crawl the 53 miles home on hot gravel and climb the tree where me and my 36 other brothers and sisters lived! It was so cold in that tree my brother had frostbite on his tongue! And we were all so hungry we would whimper so loud our dad would take off his steel belt and whip us around the back of our heads until we forgot who we were! Then he would bury us alive, not before selling our vital organs to Korean scientists, and dance on our graves, then he'd exhume my body and send me back to work!"
Rory chose to ignore his fathers tale of woe, he'd heard it so many times he knew it off by heart anyway, getting to his feet he took his hot treacle tart and smashed it onto his fathers face. His father not one to be defeated, skilfully danced an Irish jig and juggled baked potatoes whilst balancing a jug of milk on his nose whilst singing "Ganga Breed" by Sean Paul.
Rory ran upstairs to his bedroom and found his favourite hat! A Zebra skin bowler hat with a peacock feather sticking jauntily out of side.
Telling himself he should be king for his dress sense he went downstairs, greeting his brother with the customary kick in the balls he walked out of the front door taking a bite of the gingerbread floorboards for good luck he walked down the street.
Humming an unknown tune he broke into a slow sprint and went all the way to the park, as he walked into the park he slipped on a banana skin.
After a week of making phone calls he was awarded £5,000 compensation. Wondering what to do with the money, he walked down the high street. As he walked past a travel agents something caught his eye - "COME TO RUSSIA COMRADE! ONLY £50" said a big sign. "A grand idea" called Rory, and within 2 hours he was on the plane to Moscow! As the plane crossed into Russian air space the good-looking airhostess told him that the plane did not actually land in Russia. After a few hours deliberation he put on his parachute and threw himself from the aircraft. After a few seconds he pulled the chord on his parachute, instead of a parachute out popped a brick, and a small piece of paper "Thank you for flying British Airways!"
As he plummeted towards earth, Rory noticed a strange multi-coloured shape moving across the land. Suddenly the strange thing began to grow larger, it was flying up towards him! Rory in all his years had never seen anything like it, it was reindeer like in shape, but it had wings with a span of around 25 feet and its skin was made from what looked like a patchwork quilt! The creature flew up towards Rory caught him on its back and flew him safely to the ground.
Taking a look at his surroundings he saw it had been snowing heavily, and he was in a pine forest of sorts.
As they landed on the ground the creature walked forwards a few paces, then as if bored with carrying his latest 'catch', reared up on his hind legs and Rory toppled to the ground.
He quickly stood and found the creature turned to face him and was looking him in the eye
“Kto Va?” said the creature
“What? Who are you” said Rory
“Budte tikhi. ya zadayu voprosy” was the reply.
“Speak English, you Bitch” shouted Rory.
At this the creature shouted “Traknishe vashu maht” and kicked Rory in the chest with his hoof. The creature then extended its wings and brought itself up to its height of around 9 feet (whilst on its 4 feet, of course when it stood on its hind legs it was much taller!) Then in perfect English it said "Be quiet, foolish child. I am the Patchwork Reindeer of the North, Pyotr Emmetovich Bondarenko, you may call me Pyotr, as long as you remain civil."
Rory stood up, rubbing his chest. "That really hurt you piece of shit!" he shouted. Pyotr let out a cry of anger and kicked Rory to the floor again.
"Please Remain Civil! You are on my lands and you will follow my rules" the reindeer said.
"Ok!" cried Rory "you drive a hard bargain. Where am I?" he asked.
"You are in Siberia! You are 80 miles west of Oymyakon, the w
orld's coldest town. However before we do anything else, we must dress you. You will die of hypothermia in a few more minutes if you do not get warm, and you look like an idiot! Did you dress in the dark, or have one of your blind pages dress you?"
Rory was shocked "I look Cool!" he shouted,
"You will be quite cool if you don't dress!" said the reindeer and from under his wings fell white garments made to fit Rory. In his opinion the clothes were totally tasteless, however he was beginning to feel cold so he quickly put the clothes on over his own clothes. He immediately felt the warmth.
"Amazing! I don't feel cold at all!" he exclaimed
"And you will not as long as you do not remove these clothes, I made them myself from my own supply of fabrics, which are beyond any human craft. Now you must explain to me what you are doing out here."
And so for the next few minutes Rory explained everything that had happened since he had opened the box of chicken feet up to the moment he had fallen from the plane.
Pyotr's leg flew out again and Rory was thrown to the floor.
"What was that for?!?" Rory moaned.
"You are obviously an idiot and need sense kicked into you" cried Pyotr." You need a job! You need a wife and children! Instead you run around being foolish non stop!"
"Oh, fuck you, you sound like my father" with that Rory received his 4th kick of the meeting.
Tired of being kicked he stood up and punched the reindeer on the nose. But Pyotr did not flinch, and delivered his 5th kick of the meeting.
"So what are you looking to do now?" he asked Rory, "You cannot stay here, no idiots are allowed in this area."
"Eat Monkey Sh-"shouted Rory, but stopped himself before he finished "I don't know what I'm going to do! Where is the nearest town" and with that Pyotr delivered his 6th kick. "Please pay attention and do not make me repeat myself, as I already said to you; Oymyakon is 80 miles to the east of here"
"You said west earlier!" said Rory.
And yet again he was lifted off his feet by Pyotr's Foot.
"Earlier I said 'You are 80 miles west of Oymyakon', now I just said 'Oymyakon is 80 miles to the east of here' please think before you speak." Then looking at the sky "Of all 6 billion people on earth I get this idiot?"
Rory was naturally offended by this and pulled out his compass that he carried with himself everywhere. Sadly it was only a compass he received for his 6th birthday, as part of an Action Man fun set. However his father had secretly wished Rory would use the compass believing it to be real and would walk into the ocean or a volcano.
So when Rory pulled this child's toy from his pocket, Pyotr gave his 8th kick!
"Fool! Now you mock me with children's toys!" and smashed the compass under his great hoof. "Now to avoid being stuck with you for some time, and since I cannot allow something, even as stupid as you, to die out here in this land - aside from dwelling on my conscience for years, the smell would be foul. So climb aboard my back and I will fly you to the town."
So Rory climbed aboard the reindeer's back and it spread its majestic wings and took to the sky. Within half an hour a small town, positioned in the middle a huge valley came into view..
The descended upwards (the nonsense has lacked recently) and then landed.
They landed when they touched the ground and not a moment sooner (nonsense is rather boring me now! I want a proper story! Whatever I will continue and see where I go)
They Landed, and Pyotr reared up "I will not be ridden like a mule" he said as Rory fell to the icy ground. Pyotr walked over to a man who stood waving to him
“Privet Pyotr!” Cried the man
“Privet Mishka” Pyotr called back
"Don't the people find you strange?" asked Rory
"Of course not!" answered Pyotr "All the townsfolk know about me and they keep me a secret from the rest of the world, I am sure many hunters would love my head on their walls, though I doubt any of them could harm me even with their strongest weapons."
Pyotr then introduced Rory to Mishka, the man Pyotr had called to.
“Kak – Va moi drug, ya naeyusi, ch’to ya – khorosho? ” Said Mishka
“Da - ya irekr?cen, kak – va Mishka?” Replied Pyotr.
“Khoroshi – veshchi khoroshi! Kto éto?” Asked Mishka
“Oskoku ya shazap. Éto – Rory, on upap ot samopeta! Ego sobstvennaya strana achevidno ne khotela! Étogo idiota, tak ch’to oni ponizhayut ego na nashei prekrasnoi natsii!”
Rory hearing his name and the tone of voice asked Pyotr what he was saying
"Do not be nosy! But if u must know I was simply telling Mishka you fell from a plane! And that your government obviously does not want such an idiot disgracing their land, so they drop you here! If they had of dropped 2 of you I would have considered it an act of war! Now please go and entertain yourself while I gather some information."
So Rory went off to explore the town. First he noticed there was hardly anyone around. He saw a lively looking building which resembled a bar so he walked in. To his absolute surprise there was Stuart!
"Stuart" he cried "its good to see you my friend!"
Stuart jumped off his stool and ran over and gave Rory a hug.

"Here's something for you to think about" said Stuart "eating chicken on Wednesday and then Beef on Thursdays often means that cars cease to work on Sundays!"
Rory stared for a moment, then sat at the bar and ordered a beer, and was promptly given a bottle of vodka. Not being one to make a fuss he downed the bottle. Stuart hopped next to him and drank heavily from his cow's udder. (Ah, its good to have Stuart back he can liven things up) suddenly in walked a 6 foot Samurai Mongoose stormed into the bar and sat at the bar, ordered a bottle of vodka, paid the bartender, and walked out again. Not exactly exciting but how often do you see a 6 foot Samurai Mongoose who drinks hard liquor?
Stuart and Rory sat talking about what Stuart had done since he flew off into the orange ocean.
It turned out he had taken a job here as a road maker, but since the Tar he used had frozen he was out of business till the summer, when the temperature would hopefully rise above -60°C.
Then Rory explained everything that had happened to him since they hard parted. Stuart delighted with the potato cake incident asked Rory if he had one to spare, (they had shared their addiction) and Rory happily shared a potato cake with Stuart.
Then Stuart asked Rory what he intended to do next.
"I don't actually know" he answered
"Why don't we go back to England then?" asked Stuart
"A Good Idea!" then we can spend my other £4,950 on potato cakes, whores and guns and become the Potato Cake Pimps!" exclaimed Rory
"Fantastic" cried Stuart "Lets go"
So Rory went to explain to Pyotr their new plan.
After Rory had explained this to Pyotr he received a hard kick in the face, as did Stuart for "encouraging this imbecile" however said he would be glad to get rid of Rory so he agreed to fly them both to Sheremetyevo-1 Airport in Moscow.
So they climbed aboard Pyotr and flew to Moscow! Pyotr flew into the airport, kicked Rory in the balls for good luck, and kicked Stuart in the face, and flew off. Stuart and Rory walked into the Terminal bought tickets to Heathrow Airport and waited. When the plane was ready they boarded and flew home! Hours Later they touched down in Heathrow walked out of the airport, got in a taxi and ordered the driver to the "Benjamin Residence!"

Part Two

- Rory Dunn