The Patchwork Reindeer ©2004

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When they arrived they paid the driver with Rubles and told him to get away before they set the chickens on him!
Walking down the garden path then got to the door and the butler opened the door "Good Day Master Benjamin! I have a message from your mother" and swiftly delivered a kick to Rory's groin.
"Ah, Thank you Jeeves" moaned Rory.
"Not a problem, Sir. There is also a message from your father, and Jeeves jumped in the air and kicked Rory in the chest with both feet.
Rory picked himself up off the floor, took careful aim and shot Jeeves in the leg with his staple gun "please give that reply to my father, Jeeves."
"Very Good, Sir" said Jeeves with a bow and limped off.
Rory and Stuart ran upstairs to the basement and climbed aboard Rory's pet dolphin, Terrence, and they rode him around the manor for a few hours.
Once they were tired out from the hunt they went back to the mansion, getting some potato cakes from the kitchen to soothe his and Stuart's addiction
As they walked up the marble staircase they met Jeeves on the 3rd flight.
"Ah, Sir I am glad to meet you here, your father welcomed your reply and answers with this." and he kicked Rory back down the stairs, and ran down after him. "And sir, a reindeer is here to see you he wishes you to know this" and kicked Rory in the chest
Rory delighted to hear this ran upstairs to his bedroom and flung the door open! And there was Pyotr.
"Pyotr! How are you my friend!"
With that Pyotr kicked him in the chest. "I am not your friend, you imbecile!"
"Nevertheless!" exclaimed Rory "What are you doing here?"
"I am here only on business, believe me this not a social call."
"I see" said Rory "Well, please make yourself comfortable, can I get you anything to eat or drink?"
"No, thank you, I would not trust anything given to me by you" answered Pyotr.
"Fair enough, you moany old bitch" and with this Rory was kicked in the chest again.
As Rory picked himself up, he pointed his staple gun in Pyotr's face and fired all his staples in this "moose-fucks" face. Pyotr was enraged and kicked Rory to the floor.
"Now then, As I said I am here on business, you are being hunted Rory! My government obviously did not like your "invasion" and your government had given them permission to get rid of you!"
"What? I'm being Hunted?!?" cried Rory
"Yes, I am afraid so. I pondered for several hours on whether to come here and save you, no doubt the world would be much better off without you! However my conscience would not allow me to let you die, especially at the hands of Vyacheslav Emmetovich Golovko!"
"Who is that?" asked Rory
"Russia's most deadly assassin! He is an ex-KGB operative and is well trained in the arts of Ninjitsu, Ninpo and many other martial arts."
All of a Sudden a Penguin waddled into the room.
"Oh My God! Take cover!" Cried Pyotr.
Rory laughed "why?" but at that moment the penguin pulled a pistol from its belt and began to shoot in Rory's direction.
Rory dived over a table and flipped it over. Taking out his staple gun and quickly reloading it, he popped his head over the top of the table and returned fire.
The Penguin surprised by this took cover behind the door, deciding he was outgunned tried to waddle out onto the landing, but he was not quick enough Rory jumped over the table and threw a donut onto the end of the penguins beak. The penguin fell to the floor in a jammy mess.
Rory ran over safed the penguins weapon and kicked it to one side, and pulled the donut off the penguin's face The second the penguin could see again it jumped 5 feet into the air and kicked Rory in the stomach and started to waddle away. Rory picked himself up off the floor took careful aim with his staple gun and fired twice into the back of the penguin's head.
The penguin let out a cry, stumbled and fell to the floor its head bleeding explosively.
"Ah, I'm glad that's over" said Pyotr.
"This dreaded 'assassin' is, was rather, a penguin?" asked Stuart who had hidden, grovelling in fear as soon as the penguin had walked into the room due to a strange phobia of penguins he had developed during his infancy.
"No, of course not that was merely one of his 'minions'. He is rather lazy and only works if he has to, and would rather send a 'minion' to do something if possible. I am afraid the he will now come himself to dispatch you Rory, you must leave immediately!"
"Where shall I go?"
"Away from here! He will come here first, make your way west! Go to San Francisco, in the USA, you will probably blend in there."
"No, sod it!" exclaimed Rory. "I'm not going anywhere! This Commie swine can come and get me! He can't be much tougher than this Penguin! I am going to wait right here for him!"
And so Rory waited.and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited until 6 months had passed.
However this Golovko Assassin did not show. Rory by this time was dreadfully thirsty and in desperate need of a Potato Cake.
Sending Stuart to the shop with a can of 0-Chlorobenzalmononitrile and told him to come back with a bottle of blackcurrant juice, a jar of peanut butter and all the potato cakes he could carry. "And make it Snappy" he called as Stuart hopped out of the room on his 3-legged pogo stick.
After about 5 minutes of sitting there alone Rory heard strange sound! It sounded like someone talking Russian. "Stuart?" he called "Stuart, is that you?"
Suddenly a Ninja jumped out in front of Rory, and punched him on the nose!
"Who the bloody hell are you?" shouted Rory
"Vyacheslav Golovko, at your service, your death will be my pleasure" said the ninja.
"Oh fuck this shit!" said Rory and hit the ninja over the head with his cane with all the strength he would muster!
The ninja crumpled to the floor screaming and crying in agony hands on his head. He took one hand away from his head and saw he was bleeding and began to scream "what was that for? Did u really have to hit me so hard?"
"I'm sorry!" cried Rory and went to fetch a bandage for the ninja.
When he got halfway to the medicine cabinet he suddenly thought! and he ran back.
The ninja was still lying on the floor, Rory scooped him up, strapped a can of petrol to him and hurled him into the furnace, and that was the end of Vyacheslav Golovko, Russia's most deadly assassin!
Happy with the way things had turned out so far Rory went to meet Stuart who was waddling up the path, his arms full of potato cakes. So Rory and Stuart indulged themselves for several hours. Afterwards they drank the blackcurrant juice, smeared the bottle with peanut butter, and poured petrol into the juice bottle, then with a crude fuse attached, lit the makeshift bomb and threw it at Rory's father, who was subsequently covered in hot petrol and peanut butter! How he roared! He chased Rory and Stuart all over the house with a frozen cod, but he did not catch them and gave up after half an hour.
Once they were sufficiently high on Potato Cakes, Stuart played the Grand Piano with his stomach, which flattered Rory so he began to play his accordion. However the buffalo was unimpressed so Rory shoved his accordion in the buffalo's arse and pushed him over the cliff with a sigh of disbelief.
Then Rory's girlfriend walked in and started giving him all kinds of shit! She walked in made him get a job, made him propose to her and they got married, then they had 3 children and when Rory's parents died Rory inherited his parent's huge fortune and massive house.
And he lived happily (though disappointingly normally) till the end of his days.
Or did he? Of course not! The girlfriend was only a hallucination from the massive dose of potato cakes that he had just ingested.
So Rory, once he was sober thanked God his girlfriend fed and clothed him without question and didn't insist on him getting a job and didn't want to get married yet.
After laughing about this for almost 45 minutes he and Stuart got the munchies, so they had some more potato cakes. Realising their mistake they went down stairs into the kitchen. Rory's father was standing there making a cheese sandwich.
"What do you want?" he shouted as soon as Rory walked in
"Food!" Rory replied
"You sonofabitchbastard! All you ever do is milk off me and your mother! Get a damn job! Marry that mutt you call a girlfriend! Have some kids but don't bring them to me, no doubt your children will be so hideous, coming within ten yards of them will make me vomit!" and as if to make his point he threw a loaf of bread in Rory's face.
Rory deciding he didn't like having his non-existent children spoken about in such a rude manner, waited till his father had gone back to his sandwich making, and hit him on the back of the head with a bowl of fruit.
Rory's father fell to the floor but he was undefeated "Is that all you got, pussy?" and kicked Rory in the balls
Stuart stood ignoring this and ate Rory's dad's sandwich! Once he was finished however he decided to split the Skywalker wannabe's up, by urinating on them, though this did not work though it satisfied Stuart somewhat. So he poured hot treacle on them, which did split the screaming pair up.
Bored with his father's antics for the time being Rory kicked his father in the chin and walked out of the kitchen with a tub of chocolate ice cream. Since he little fight with his father he didn't feel that hungry so he went an smeared the ice cream on his fathers Rolls Royce. This naturally made him feel much better!
"Ah" he said "I feel much better, but I'm feeling bored, Stuart! We need another adventure! But where shall we go?"
"The Moon!" shouted Stuart "We've never been there before!"
"The Moon!" exclaimed Rory "What a fantastically brilliant idea!"
And so Rory and Stuart entered the Russian cosmonaught-training programme.
Of course, they failed. So they stole a Russian scientist and offered him a loaf of bread, in return for all the rocket secrets he knew.
Within a week they had crafted a perfect replica Russian Rocket. However due to lack of certain materials for example titanium, or lead, they used other things like cardboard and washing-up-liquid bottles, however it looked the part, which was satisfactory for Stuart and Rory.
The scientist told them they would need space suits lined with lead to protect them against the radiation. However due to the aforementioned lack of lead, they simply got some of Rory's dad's best clothes, and sewed some bread and jam into the lining.
With that they attached the engine (an actual engine strangely enough) to their craft, and launched off into space. Within days they were on the moon! They ate potato cakes on the moon, which somehow prevented them from suffocating!
Rory and Stuart bored with the moon, and were disappointed at that fact that it was not made of cheese, or any other dairy product.
Declaring the Moon "The Worlds Biggest Car Park" Rory and Stuart went back to earth.
Going back to Earth Rory decided that they would start Britain's first Orange Farm. Stopping in Florida to steal some Orange trees they flew across the Atlantic Ocean, and began work at once.
After emptying Rory's Fathers greenhouse of all his prize winning, fruits and vegetables. They burned them along with a years supply of human hair acquired from the back of a barber shop and half a drum of kerosene, right under Rory's parents bedroom window. "Everyone loves the smell of burnt human hair" claimed Stuart
They then moved all of the Orange trees into the greenhouse, adjusted the sprinkler system to suit the plants and left the trees to grow.
Waiting for the trees to grow turned out to be a lengthy and boring process.
Stuart bored with all the waiting became a farmer but refused to deal with any crops or animals except welsh sheep (for 'no reason' he claimed) and he forbade anyone to come near the farm between 6 and 7 PM.
Several months later (once Stuart claimed to be bored with his sheep) Rory and Stuart went into the greenhouse and their waiting for them was the most beautiful group of Orange trees they had ever seen. Admittedly this was the first group of Orange trees they had seen, but at the time it did not matter to the budding gardeners.)
"What to do with them?" cried Rory
"We shall make Juice! Copious amounts of juice and become super-rich" replied Stuart
And so the duo set up a juice making co-operation and became the biggest fruit producing company (even bigger than Del Monté!) in the world!
It was at this time Stuart, decided that he should at least visit his parents. He hadn't seen them for quite some time. The problem with his parents was that they lived at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, and getting there wasn't easy.
However he couldn't ignore his parents so he and Rory booked a flight to Australia.
They began the flight to Australia but once they were over the Pacific Ocean they opened the door, and jumped out!
Thanking God they flew Qantas they opened their parachutes and glided smoothly towards the deep blue sea.
Once they were on the surface they unpacked their submarine and dived to the bottom of the ocean.
After a while they arrived at Stuart's front door. After knocking on the door they were greeted by Stuart's Father, Hugo,
"Hello Son, and Rory as well, to what do we owe the honour of your visit?"
"Hello Dad, how are things" asked Stuart
"Fine, Fine. Things are good son." Hugo replied "what about you, I heard your rich from selling juice?"
"Yes, I'm filthy rich. Want a cheque for £1 million, no problem" said Stuart writing his father a cheque for £1,000,000 which Hugo quickly pocketed.
So Rory, Stuart and Hugo sat chatting for a few hours.
Suddenly Hugo's telephone rang, sweeping the receiver up listening to the voice on the other end, and after a moment put the phone back on its receiver. Without a word Hugo turned on the television, and found the news.
"It is apparent that Princess Amanda, has been kidnapped and forced to marry Andrew the Defiant, who is he? You may ask perhaps if we call him by his more common name - Andy the Batty. Amanda has requested that she be rescued. So far all attempts have failed." And on the screen was the beautiful Princess Amanda with a strange looking person dressed in a knight's shining armour, which ill suited him.
"Well fuck it" said Rory "I'll rescue her, the reward is bound to be huge, and plus she's fairly good looking."
And so Rory and Stuart went back to England, and prepared to go to war against Andrew the Defiant. First he put on his armour, shining Black with silver trimmings, and his sword, Imrahil, was sharpened. He climbed aboard his horse, Halbarad, and bidding farewell to Stuart he rode across the Benjamin Manor. He was met his father at the gate.
"Where are you going, you little fag?
"Screw you, Old Man, I'm going off to rescue Princess Amanda!" replied Rory
"Ha! You? Rescue Amanda? Good Luck, you will need it!" retorted Rory's Father.
Rory deciding he would deal with his father when he returned. Rory simply threw his boomerang into the old mans face and rode off.
After he had travelled for a day he took out his map, wondering where he was supposed to be going! After a few minutes of careful map work he discovered that it was 100 leagues or more to Andrew's kingdom. Climbing back aboard Halbarad, he cried "Forward Halbarad! Princess Amanda is in grave danger!"
Halbarad lifted his great head, let out a great cry and sprang forward.
Within 3 days they were at the borders of Andrews Kingdom.
Andrew had stolen the kingdom from Princess Amanda, had declared himself king and declared a state of martial law, enforced by the army of his ally, Rory of Narbonne, who was a ruthless and brutal man who ruled his army of Ninja Penguins with a fist of Iron.
Rory rode up to one of the great gates of the kingdom, and called out
"Andrew! Andrew! Come forth and meet your doom!"
The great gate opened and out walked a black beast, horse like, however it had fire in its eye sockets, and its skin was not covered in hair, but it small black scales. Upon its back rode a man who was wearing black armour, who looked astonishingly like Rory, Tall with dark eyes and hair and of the same build. And their facial features were similar, however this man looked evil and he wore a grim smile.
"Who are you" Asked Rory
"Who am I? You come to my lord's gate and ask who am I? You are indeed brave or perhaps you are stupid. My feelings tell me that it is the latter." Answered the man "Who are you?"
"I am Rory Benjamin, I am here to rescue Princess Amanda, now who are you?"
"I am Rory of Narbonne, Lieutenant of Andrew the Defiant, and leader of his first penguin army, and I am afraid that I can not allow you into this land. This is your only warning, you man flee and live, or you may try and continue on your quest and die." And as if punctuating the threat he drew his sword, which was black like his armour.
"I will not turn back, and nor will I die, I shall rescue Amanda from the clutches of Andrew" and Rory drew Imrahil "and if you try to stop me, you shall die."
"So be it" said Rory of Narbonne and he spurred his horse towards Rory. Rory spurred Halbarad forwards and the two began to fight.
They were equally matched and the two battled on for almost 5 hours. Finally however Rory managed to pin Rory of Narbonne to the ground and held the tip of his sword to the 'bastards' throat
"Mercy! Mercy! By the grace of the Virgin Mary I beg Mercy!" cried Rory of Narbonne.
Rory Benjamin, being a man of integrity, justice and a believer in mercy, took away his sword, and took a step back and helped Narbonne to his feet, however his beliefs had betrayed him. Rory of Narbonne pulled out a small dagger and lunged towards Rory with it. However Rory was too quick, parrying Narbonne's blow, he hewed the treacherous swine's head from his neck which shot out a satisfying spray of blood as his head fell to the floor. Narbonne's horse dismayed at its master's demise let out a cry of fear and fled in terror and what became of it this story does not tell.
So Rory and Halbarad went forwards into the gates of Andrews kingdom.
The streets of the kingdom were empty, and Rory walked in silence to the door of Andrew's castle. He dismounted Halbarad and told the noble steed to wait for him back at the gates of the kingdom, and without another word, Rory pushed open the great door and walked in, and the door slammed shut behind him.
Rory found himself in a long hallway, sparsely lit with a few torches here and there. Taking the torch nearest to the door, he ventured into the belly of the castle.
As Rory made his way through the castle, he heard strange sounds, the pattering of small feet and a birdlike hooting sound. Rory came to the huge door decorated with the Crest of Princess Amanda - A Pink Unicorn upon a field of green grass playing Korfball, however the crest of Andrew the Defiant -a skull, penetrated by a dagger, had been wantonly sprayed on top of Amanda's crest.
Rory pushed the door open and walked through the doorway.
He found himself in a huge, brightly-lit hall, at least one hundred yards long and fifty wide. The hall was uncomfortably silent. Rory gripped the handle of Imrahil in it's scabbard tighter and advanced slowly.
Once he had walked around 50 yards he heard a great cry and the hooting of what sounded like a thousand birds.
The lights in the hall turned off, then straight back on again, however when they came back on he was not alone. Innumerable penguins, dressed in black, all armed with swords surrounded him.
Rory spun around quickly looking for a route of escape, but the penguins had him completely surrounded.
No chance of escape, and refusing to accept capture or death, Rory drew Imrahil and let out a huge roar and ran into the mass of penguins.
What ensued was one of the greatest acts of animal slaughter animal rights activists ever protested against. The amount of penguins killed was enough to feed the earth's entire killer whale population for 6 weeks.
Rory stood after the battle and surveyed the scene. Penguin body parts lay all over the place and the floor of the great hall was covered in a pool of penguin blood 13 inches deep.
Rory left the room and climbed the staircase to the highest tower of the castle.
He got to the high tower, and opened the door to Princess Amanda's bedroom. The princess was sitting there by here window crying. Andrew the Defiant was standing on the bed singing a foul rendition of "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye into a hairbrush. Rather embarrassed Rory coughed loudly.
Andrew stopped singing, blushed and asked "Who are you?"
"I am Rory Benjamin, and I am here to rescue Princess Amanda from your evil clutches, demonspawn!"
"GUARDS! GUARDS!" cried Andrew at the top of his voice.
"All your guards are dead, your reign of terror over this land is over! Surrender or die" answered Rory.
"I will do neither, you shall die, here and I shall feed your carcass to the crows." Responded Andrew, and leaping off the bed he drew his sword and he and Rory began to fight. Andrew however was not the master Swordsman he made himself out to be. In fact he was piss poor and Rory had quickly overcome him.
Andrew lay on the floor with a slight scratch on his little finger sobbing like a little schoolgirl that had fallen over in the playground.
Princess Amanda stood up walked over to Andrew picked him up and threw him like a rag out of the window, he fell 1000 feet and landed on a sharp rock.
"Noble Knight, I thank thee for your bravery. Now we must escape!"
And so Rory and dog face ran back through the castle, through the streets and out of the gate where Rory had fought Rory of Narbonne.
There they found Halbarad and they rode back to England.
When Rory got back and dumped his girlfriend, calling her a "no-good, dirty whore with a face like a bag of spanners."
He went back to his father's house with Amanda. His father called her a stupid bitch, so Amanda saw to it that he was put in an old people's home where he would be forced to eat porridge for the rest of his life!
Stuart became interested in politics and became Prime Minister of Great Britain!
Pyotr, The Great Patchwork Reindeer of the North, got married to Sheila, The Patchwork Reindeer of the South and they are happily settled in Siberia and welcome most visitors, however Pyotr is still not fond of idiots.
And Rory, Rory married Amanda, and since she was a princess, he became a King and She became the Queen. They were filthy rich and happy for it! They had 2 children a boy named Joe and a year later a girl called Emily.
And they lived happily ever after... Or so they thought


To Be Continued...

- Rory Dunn