A day in the life of an
Observer. A mere fantasy in your minds, a reality in ours, so it seems
only right that we should share our daily goings on with you, as we try
to go about our daily existence
Update 1 - Posted
by Rik H. Dammit
@ 21:42, 17th July 2004
Greetings from the US of A folks. This is the 1st update on my American
Adventure, because I wasn'ty sure if these rednecks had invented the
internet out here, deep in the forest. You guys get the joy of a full
journal when I get back, hopefully.
Anyways, last night was possibly the most eventful night yet. Mass
firings, drunken craziness, Polish ska bands and blood, sweat and tears.
So after a hard days working and exactly 5 weeks now, myself and my Irish,
English, Polish and Russian amigos got to some illegal drinking; we're
almost all under 21 and alcohol is forbidden on camp. We were inevitably
busted - Loony Mad Mark, 40year old camp retard and 'director of
transportation' (he refills the gas) pulled up in his golf buggy and
aviators, spotted the madness, and promptly got The Boss. 3 people were
instantly fired, but the show must go on. The party was taken out on the
back porch, but I retreated to bed, tired and slightly drunk, but not too
As far as I know nothing happened until the next morning, when I woke up
feeling fresh as a daisy, no hangover, nothin. But my pillow and face was
soaked in blood and there was a huge puddle of water - or something - by
The investigation continues. Updates soon.
Joy at the O.A.P Home
@ 12:29, 20st June 2003
Today I hade the
privilege, nay, the pleasure to visit my grandma in an old people’s
hospital, they were like you see on television. A medium sized room, 3
walls lined with tall “comfy” chairs and a television in the corner. When
I walked in there were 4 old women in there. 2 women sat with my grandma
and discreetly at the top of their voices talked about the other women in
the room. I.e. “She’s 99, poor lass and Amy over there, she’s my age and
looks about 100.” The highlight of these women’s days were watching other
women being wheeled in and helped into their “comfy” chairs by 2 or 2
orderlies while the old woman struggled against them. When we were about
to leave the old women started bitching about “Songs of Praise” not being
on thanks to the football.
- Posted by The
Observers @ 23:42, 19th May 2004
Today we escaped from our imprisonment by the Feds on an offshore
prison where we've been held without charge since mid-January. Our attorneys
have advised we do not disclose any information about our capture and
subsequent imprisonment at this time. Colin and Mike are currently still
missing presumed detained. Our attorneys have issued this statament:
knows where the fuck these two heebs are but rest assured that on the
first hint of any communication from them you will all be the first
to know. God damn Feds."
Pizza with a Side
of Death - Posted
by Rik H. Dammit
@ 21:42, 8th Jan 2004
First journal entry of the year, and yet another pizza-related death
At my girlfriend's house this week we decided to order in, being lazy
good for nothing students and all. She got a curry, I got a calzone (folded
pizza, morons) and her flatmate got herself a regular curry. All was well
- the order (from the dispicable Krunchy Hut) arrived
bang on time and even gave us a discount because we're students.
"Sorry mate," he blubbers on the doorstep, handing over the
curry "I left the pizzas. I'll just go and get them."
So off to the car he shuffles. I wait for him to get them off the other
seat... and then he drives away. The fucker has left them in the shop,
not the car. On top of that, no rice with the curry. Well done, fag. He
comes back 10 minutes later with the junk he forgot, and hastily departs
before I give him the beating of a lifetime.
Halfway through my average tasting calzone I chomp down on something hard.
A bone perhaps? No. A big freakin' chunk of plastiglass
like you'de find on your car headlights! The wankers tried to KILL ME!
I rang them and they begged and offered a replacement, but the damage
was done. My invincible appetite was curbed. The fresh new pizza and grovelled
apology helped, but I'll never forgive them. Don't visit Krunchy Hut folks,
Chillin' an' Talkin' Posted
@ 22:45, 17th Dec 2003
me and Rik arrive to a lecture where we, amongst others had to do a group
presentation in the style of a press conference. Putting so much hard
work and effort into The Observatory (cough) we didn't even have enough
time to prepare for the presentation, no speech, just some pretty pictures
we whipped up the night before. Anyway, the first group went up to do
theirs with A4 sheets of paper full of script to read out, they were dressed
up in suits too, clearly under the impression that they would get more
marks for doing so. They were doing their presentations and it all looked
pretty well planned out, while me and Rik were sketching us down some
stuff to say on the back of someone elses work. They finished their presentation,
looking all smug as if to say beat that, they received a B- from the lecturer.
Now it was our turn, up we stepped, dressed like we "just
dun give a fuck" armed with a few scrappy lines of text to say. The
crowd silenced ready for us to speak and to tell you the truth we were
a little nervous at first and then it happened, before we knew it we were
freestylin' it like we were straight outta Compton. People kept serving
us up questions and we kept knocking them back. When the barrage of questions
(most of which were from the suited dork group) had ended we stood up,
posed down with a great big HYAAAAAARGH!!!! and recieved our B. That's
right, we were just chillin' and talkin' and got a B, and the other group
put in hours of time, dressed up and got B-( Bee Minus). Life's so smooth
when you are an Observer.
Recruits Teenage Army - Posted
by Rik H. Dammit
@ 16:12, 16th Dec 2003
Today on the way to get a big German hotdog from the Kindelmarkt,
Mark and myself were accosted by an army of children. It turns out some
charity or other has recruited dozens of young children to beg on their
behalf during schooltime, so they're effectively bunking off, legally.
They were coming to us on the streets in jolly festive hats, asking happily
for our change. If there's anything that makes me not want
to give money, its seeing a smiling, happy beggar. Hell, if they're happy,
they can't need the cash that much. Where's the misery in the world at
When we finally crumbled and gave them change, a kid who looked like a
3ft 25year old black guy presented us with stickers that signified us
as payers, so other kids wouldn't harass us. By then, they'de only grown
bolder. Working in groups, they preyed on us without mercy, forcing us
to plan a child-free route out.
We'll get you kids, Christmas or no Christmas... you better block the
by Rik H. Dammit
@ 17:59, 31st Oct 2003
No, it's not the name of the latest cool bad, but this is a very
real sitch'ashun that I found myself in today. Even if you haven't seen
Dentist, you'll most likely have heard of it - a whacked out dentist
goes crazyass on his patients. Today - this most evil of day - I found
myself in the dentist office ready to have a strange man put his hands
and spikey tools in my mouth...
It wasn't that bad.
Life Savers 'R'
Us - Posted
H. Dammit @ 21:02, 25th Oct 2003
I was required to save a life yesterday. Out with one of my buddies,
we were cruising the mean streets of our hometurf trying to score some
lunch before we got a bus out someplace to take some photos, when there
was this "whump" sound behind us. I about-faced, and
theres this 80 years+ old dear laying face down, arms by her sides, moaning
as her white cane skittered toward me.
I'm guessing she was blind
or a benefit fraud, but some people in the vicinity pulled her up out
of the gutter, and out of the growing pool of blood coming from her obviously
broken nose. She was obviously shocked, and while people gathered to help
(including one taxi driver who skipped a red and mounted the pavement
to give us some tissues) we called an ambulance. It arrived in under 2
minutes, I shit you not. Apparantly, the store she'd just come from weren't
required to help in any way, because she wasn't on the premises anymore.
Tch... society today, huh?
- Posted by Andrew
@ 12:29, 21st Oct 2003
I was ringing a company to report
a lost card. They couldn’t help me so they gave me a number to someone
who could. The number didn’t work. I rung back and was given another
number. This one worked but they couldn’t help me so gave me another
number. This one also worked but the boring person on the other end drawled
on and told me another number. At this point I felt if the world had come
to an end, I’d have missed it. The number she gave me inevitably
led to an automated line which played "Enya classics" between
"press 1 for quick service, press 2 for slow drawling voice which
lasts for ever, press 3 to die." Unfortunately I didn’t have
those options and was stuck with 2 wishing it was 3. Eventually I spoke
to a person but he was so incomprehensible that I’d have found it
easier talking to my cat. In the end I got some burbling noise that sounded
like "we’ll send you a replacement…." But I didn’t
get when or where. Typical.
- Posted by Mickey
B. @ 22:57, 17th Oct 2003
Here has been my education in statistic since I've arrived at college:
if you're living with three other people, odds are one of them is a prick.
A prick with horrible taste in music. A prick with terrible comic timing.
A prick who never misses an opportunity to put somebody else down yet
never succeeds in making anyone feel bad. A prick with such minimal experience
with women that it's embarrassing to even hear him talking about it. A
prick who's such as complete loser who has everyone on your floor thinking
the whole quad is a bunch of dorks until we share making-fun-of-prick
time with them.
Those are the odds anyway
God damn observations
Posted by Mark
@ 19:14, 7th Oct 2003
I failed my driving test today so it only seems fair that I should
send driving tests and all involved with driving tests into hell. I failed
on 'Observations', can you believe you have to use mirrors to look out
for other drivers on the road? Screw other drivers. Observatory staff
should just be allowed to plough the streets in bulldozers, anyone stupid
enough to get in the way gets crushed.
and Overheard - Posted
by Rik H. Dammit
@ 18:29, 7th Oct, 2003
So I'm on
the bus home, right, and these two guys come and sit next to me. In the
whole 20 minutes, the morons only talked about cars and movies. Here is
how they made the transition between the two subjects:
man, those Mini Coopers are ace innit?
Guy 2: Yeah. You seen that beast doing tricks in the
Guy 1: The what?
Guy 2: You know, that new film in the cinema with Ed
Norton and Sandra Bullock. Its a remake of the Italian Job 1 from the
Guy 1: Oh yeah! That film was wicked! The
one with that Scottish guy in?
Guy 2: Yeah, Sean Connery or something innit? This
one has, like, Edward Norton, Seth Green, Sandra Bullock and John Travolta?
Guy 1: Matt Damon...? Naw. So who's the best actor
at the current moment?
Guy 2: In Bollywood?
Guy 1: Ha, no. I think the best in Hollywood now is
either Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Samuel L. Jackson and Shao Kahn...
oh wait, he's Bollywood...
Gets Cumuppence - Posted by Rik
H. Dammit @ 14:37, 2nd Oct 2003
The end of Summer is a pretty lame time for everyone, but it seems
wasps have it pretty bad. For some reason, they just die. This
doesn't bother me, but its not like I wish death on the little blighters.
One of the sods decided
to crash-land on my face today. I was eating a burger from Bradford's
Cafe Punjab (near the University in Bradford. Don't go there. I
swear to Jack Nicholson, Mark has seen them spit on the floor, they pull
fries out of boiling oil and deep-fry burgers, making me ill in the process)
when a wasp hit me square in my chiselled jaw. I ignored it until Mark
saw that it was crawling on my neck. I went to brush it off, and knocked
it down my shirt. I didn't believe him at the time as I couldn't see it,
but moments later it fell out of my shirt, where the Boot of Dammit put
the pathetic creature out of its misery. Roll on Winter.
Constipated Lady - Posted by Mark
@ 16:42, 28th Sept 2003
I was on the bus home from work this
evening sat upstairs because I am so hardkore when I was distracted by
the sound of a woman talking very loudly on her mobile phone. By loud,
I mean the whole damn bus could hear quite clearly. The conversation was
something like this "F*cking doctors got it wrong. They said I had
hepatitis, turns out that I have got constipation. Yeah, yeah....It turns
out I have constipation.". She repeated this enough times for people
to realise that they weren't hearing things and we did actually have a
constipated psycho on the bus. Another thing that got me was the fact
that the doctors supposedly mixed up a serious liver disease with an everyday